life.

well frick, i feel like i'm not going anywhere in my life and that this year i'm gonna fail miserably and i'm never even gonna be able to go to even UW... i'm thinking so much about friends lately because i feel like i have to impress the same friends who seem to not even care about me everyday. it hurts to try so hard but to be shoved down into the mud. who do i have that i can turn to when i'm in trouble or need to vent out or just same such random things to? of course people would tell me God. but frick i'm so unfaithful, i have no faith, i need some kind of secure feeling about God. my family is also frickin going bad cuz of money and relationships. is the answer to all these problems really to just pray to God? i've desperately asked God so many things like please help the financial problems here, protect me from the bad influences of this world, please save my grandma.... seems like nothings working out at all. i just wanna leave everyone, i hate having to say hi to them with this fake love for them now. dont get me wrong, i love people but theres only such a small select of people now, and its getting smaller and smaller everyday. i miss loving people, i miss having fun, i miss people loving to be around me, i miss having a best friend, i miss having that hunger for God, i miss feeling like nothing in the world can stop me now, i miss having someone near me whenever i need them, i miss having that special connection with people, and i'm hecka missing on God. i know He's there, but i'm so narrow minded that even though people tell me what i gotta do, i tell myself it won't work and i just turn away. am i really this pathetic? am i really invisible because to others i mean nothing at all? I NEED SOME ANSWERS! but it seems that whenever i turn to people, they only say the same things to just pray and then they stop talking to me... i listened to senator paul shin yesterday and about his life... man did he have it hard. but how can we use that to inspire our lives? i never was left alone to survive at age 4, i've always had education from 5 through now. He says to pray to God even with baby prayers and when you put something to your mind, you gotta really try and persevere. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

These verses has been in my mind for a long time now... it was weird when paul shin said this. i wanted to talk to him so much, just discuss about life and how cool he was and how great it must be to be his grandchildren and how i find him as a role model for everyone. but i didnt... i guess whats the hurt in trying.. i should try before i fail or give up, then get back up right? i just can't do this alone...