the bigger picture.

whellllllll, its almost christmas... yay? i was/kinda am (but not as much) not looking forward for christmas this year. then i watched the christmas banquet skit thing. and man dont think i was too materialistic this year but still think i was materialistic. i never ask for anything or look for anything from people most of the time, but even having that thought mentality is whats messed up i guess.. does the thought of me being a little more selfless make me more judgmental to believe i could possibly be better than everyone? but then when i think about that beat up myself? do these ideas i have in my head make me feel ostracized from people or am i really being ostracized? overall does the matter? haha idk. i feel like i get TOO caught up in the moment and my views of everyone and everything. but everything happens for a reason right? like you're a robber and you steal constantly, but then you see a family who live as homeless people and see a simple 20 bill fall from a man's pocket and sees them return it to a person. the robber would probably think why would a family without money and home give the money back to a man who seems to be well off in life? cuz he at least has integrity and the morals to know not to be tempted into stealing such earthly things. i'm pretty sure i'm not into christianity right now but i still believe in God and i htink its time to set up my own morals based off of my life and off of what God wants, get the connection going again, especially with the thought about the meaning of christmas, is it presents or Jesus? minusing out the church answer, but realistic what do i care for more right now and what do i want to do if i want to change that. yeah thats it haha, merry early christmas